Oops I quit my job and there's still a pandemic!

 Hahahahaha

I quit my last nursing job in July 2024- Clinical Research Nurse II. 

Too much salesman ship. 

Too many 40 hour work weeks. 

I left oncology/infusion nursing the year prior because my colleagues were so excited to stop wearing masks despite working with the most immunocompromised patients and the pandemic still raging.

If I'm honest with myself I've hated nursing since I started doing it. 

Would love to leave permanently, but where to go?

Look forwarding to updating the one and only reader of this blog (me) in another 3-5 years!

So I'm an Oncology Nurse now, Also, There's a Pandemic!

But hey at least I'm not miserable in the ED anymore! 

I've come to love blogging a few times every couple of years, and the best part about it is rereading over my old blog posts which brings all the memories flooding back. 

Working in the ED was both more and less miserable than I remember it being! Quitting was still one of the best decisions I've every made. Wound up spending the rest of that year working in the Urgent Care attached to that same ED. I probably would have stayed there longer if not for the long commute, terrible hours (5p-2am) and for the having to see the coworkers who resented me for bailing on my new grad program- whoopsies guys, my bad! Worked with some of the greatest nurses I've ever worked with in that job though! A whole world different than in the ED. Willing to admit when they didn't know stuff and work out how to do things with a newbie like me. They were awesome teachers. Most of them. There were still a few assholes. 

Coming up on two years in outpatient infusion. It's great. The only assholes I work with are the patient's sometimes! And they have cancer so really they are wildly nice and interesting and special and I love them! The pandemic makes it less great. 

After reading my old posts about what I liked and didn't like about ED, I do think I stumbled along into the most perfect branch of nursing for me. I get to do IV's, I get to help patients navigate the confusing medical world, I get to feel like I'm making a difference however small (usually I feel like I've done the most good in a day if I've made lots of tea for folks), and I really get to know my patients. 

A fun moment from this past week:

I wheel a patient down the hall, he sees Dr. Chaos, yells to him loudly, " Hey Dr. Chaos, how's it going? You know it's your fault if I die right?" Dr. Chaos responds that yes, he is indeed aware, and we all share a heart laugh.

Turning into a real complainer

I'm ready to quit. Not sure why I havent yet. Working nights is insane. It's not natural. Plus I still feel like a total fucking idiot and shitty nurse. I'm slow, I'm bumbling, I don't know where to find the right answers to my questions. My IV skills seem to be getting worse. I had a good catch the other night: An older patient in for a sorethroat and fever (like 103) was going to get discharged. I go to get him ready and he's pretty darn sweaty. I let the doc know, he's all "no biggie". I go back, guys like even more sweaty, I ask the doc to come look at him at least before he goes. Guy stands up and has some stridor, and is like dripping sweat. Docs decide to do a CT before he goes- low and behold he winds up having epiglottitis! One way ticket to the ICU. But so far that feels like just about the only thing I can be proud of. Every other moment I feel stupid and substandard and stressed and like I want to just go home and cry. So...yay! Off to another shift.

OMG another first, they just keep coming

As I type this it is 3am. I have been up since 610am. I am preparing for my first ever night shift, tomorrow night, later today? I'm not even sure anymore. I'm so disoriented. Not sure how I will function tomorrow (today). In an effort to stay up here is some stuff that happened last Friday:

Had a patient with a C7 fracture, dementia, but a+ox3 more or less. He was uncomfortable but doing okay with his head somewhat propped up on a few sheets. When the doctor came in and ordered the pt to lie completely flat, this completely sent my patient over the edge. I asked if he would be okay with the couple of sheets since being totally flat was extending his head (in cspine collar) and causing his pain to rise significantly. I may not be a doctor, but it seems to me if putting someone in a certain position causes them to be increasingly agitated/in pain, its probably not a good position for them, even if it goes against cspine precautions. Especially since this caused him to try and sit up, turn, get out of bed. Couldn't convince the doctor of that tho, but eventually me and the nurse I was working with decided that a few sheets to keep him in better alignment was the best move and we did so, patient was much better after that. 

Same day, we had a medical alert patient come in, 30 year old on a ventilator, satting 50s-60s in ambulance. My job should have been to chart, but I immediately got flustered and did nothing! Its definitely not a good sign, I've been there long enough now to do SOMETHING, I would hope. Oh well.

Fack

It's crazy to say that I'm nearing the end of my ER orientation. After this week I have 20 more shifts left (I'm pretty sure) before I'll be on my own. Fucking terrifying. I think we've only had 15 or so shifts so far, but it still feels like it's been a while and like I haven't learned enough and not doing as good as I should be, especially in relation to my peers.

This week was pretty good, I got to hang with Nurse R on Monday, I've spent the most time with her and feel comfortable working with her, we have a good thing going and I feel like I can ask her all my dumb questions. I knew I wouldn't be with her Tuesday or Wednesday because it was her weekend, so I was nervous about who I would be precepting with. Both nurses were great, totally supportive. Tuesdays nurse let me go a little more on my own which was great. Wednesdays nurse let me go on my own by the end of the shift, but the beginning she was doing lots for me. Todays nurse, who did tell me multiple times about how tired she was, never let me stray too far on my own. I appreciate that, but also I have a tendency to rely too much on my preceptors, and I'm trying to push myself to be more independent. We definitely weren't communicating as easily as I had with the other nurses I have worked with. On top having a rough day with IV's, and doing a bunch of things for the first time and needing lots of guidance, or lack of communication was really draining. Today was the first day I've had where I left feeling actually shitty. I always feel like I don't belong, like I'm faking, and everyones going to figure out that I'm an idiot and kick me out of the ED sooner or later, but thats always a kind of benign feeling that I can ignore and brush off. Todays feeling was just of being totally stupid. 

Patient wise we had an interesting one, an actual cardiac case, wound up getting diagnosed as NSTEMI. We get lots of chest pain work ups that usually don't amount to anything. Or troponins that come back positive because of kidney issues. So this lady hadn't been complaining of chest pain for most of the shift, then she starts to. I get the doc, who orders nitro. I check her BP, its good, give a nitro SL. Her chest pains not budging, so I try to track down the doc to get her an order for morphine as well (she's also got bad abd pain that is bothering her more than the chest pain). I'm trying to talk to my preceptor but shes being a bit unavailable. Everything turned out fine but I guess I could have kept giving her nitro until her pain got better. I dunno, I'm too tired to right things out well, or even remember how things really went. All I know is that I'm finally back in bed, my happy place. 

Week 2

Second week on the floor was just as crazy as the first, and I felt possibly even more inept!

Highlights:

1. Psychotic gal who super glued her eye lids open, guess how crazy she looked after we pumped her full o haldol and benadryl...

2. Preceptor: Have you ever seen V-tach in real life?

Me: Nope!

Preceptor: Points to cardiac monitor- run and go look at the patient!

So I did, another one of the Newbies was in there with a gaggle of people. A respiratory distress had an episode of v tach after he got intubated, wasn't doing great, wife and son were in the next room crying. I felt like an asshole standing there and watching...

AAaaaaaahhhh!!!

Today was my second day on the floor. We had one day last week of shadowing, and today we were supposed to take a patient.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I tried so hard to zen out, took some kava, benadryl, deep breathing, and my favorite tv shows, didn't help! I was so nervous going in to work today. But then I met my preceptor and she was so incredibly nice, most of my nerves went away. I still felt like a fucking useless idiot most of the day, but that was all on me, not on her.

We had a major GI bleed patient, another guy tachy into the 130s, another patient having an anaphylactic reaction, all at the same time. I still cannot figure out how she got everything done, she smiled the whole time, never seemed flustered. I was so impressed. I can't imagine that being me. But over all it was a good, long, day. Three more days this week and then the weekend, I already can't wait!