Doomsday

What a stressful day. I have one day left to study for the test, I found out a great man and good friend of mine passed away, and I had to apply to colleges. Too much for my brain to handle right now...

Friday is my big test, and thanks to the school not only do all my classmates and I feel totally unprepared, we also still haven't been told where the test will be held, or what time to show up. I showed up at four for someone to come and unlock the door so I could get some last minute practicing in, waited for an hour and a half, no one ever showed up.

I won't be surprised if I fail, but hey I get two more tries to pass it right? Only $90 bucks a pop. I know its my own fault for writing the test off as easy, letting my ego get to me and just pretending I could ace it with out even opening the book. Conceded and stupid, now here I am, one day of studying left, and I feel completely incompetent.I would love to blame the school for hiring inept teachers and having zero organization to either the classes or the clinicals, but that was no reason for me to assume that a separate party that will be doing the testing would take such a lackadaisical approach to our learning. I should have stepped up and taken things into my own hands. Which I had always planned on doing, only later. Well now its later. Hmm.... Wish me luck internet land!

Moral Dillemas

I'm sure these are only the first of many that will plague me through out my (hopefully) long future nursing career.

It was my ACTUAL last day of CNA school today, and I almost didn't even make it. Somehow I managed to turn my alarm off and my internal clock didn't go off until 5 minutes before I was supposed to be at school. Luckily I live close and after throwing on my scrubs and running out the door I was only 10 minutes late. I was in the evil nursing home with another class because I had to make up a day that I missed. The second I stepped in there I was thankful I didn't have time to even contemplate breakfast because man that place smells. It's even worse now that I have a nicer facility to compare it to. I'll stop the complaining there and get to my point:

I went into room 19 to see the patient I had helped the last few days I spent at this facility. The last time I had seen her she was completely bed ridden, couldn't eat, couldn't move in bed, could hardly open her eyes, could do nothing to communicate but grunt. While I sat there holding the womans hip and broken shoulder up, watching the LVN pull glovefuls of feces out of her behind and telling her to push, I couldn't help but think to myself that this woman would be better off dead. I know that is harsh but at some point family members have to say enough is enough, putting off their own emotional hell makes their family member and my patient in constant pain. Pain most of us probably cant imagine. And it costs so much money to keep these people here. Up until today, I have firmly believed that: 1. If possible, we should all leave this earth quickly, don't drag it out. And 2. There is no life in nursing homes, I wouldn't condemn anyone I care about to live in one. But after today, after 2 weeks after last walking into room 19, seeing the changed woman in front of me, my stance on the subject is not so steady.

This woman went from appearing most of the time to be in some sot of coma (even though she wasn't) to a lively, beautiful old woman. The CNAs had actually combed her hair and put make up and jewelry on her (something they rarely do at this facility) and her son was with her, singing her old songs and she was singing a long. And I felt a surge of guilt, for only a few weeks before I would have sent this woman to live out her final days at home with her family. At the same time, this woman will most likely never leave the nursing home. The miraculous change she has made will soon be forgotten and the CNAs will treat her like any other resident there, and that is not the way a family member would treat her.

On a lighter note, I was witnessed to two beautiful romantic incidences today. 24b's wife has lived in a senior community quite near to the facility for some time, but apparently she decided she would rather be in the facility with her husband. She was recently moved into the room right across from his and he seems infinitely happier than a few weeks ago when I was with him.

12a and 26c are dating! I hate to trivialize these peoples lives and make them seem like children, but these two are really really cute. Heart melting cute. 12a has always stated that she is happy at the facility but 26c definitely wasn't. As of today they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and both could not stop smiling, it was like looking at a couple of 14 year old kids. Also to add to the adorable-ness of the situation, these are definitely the two best dressed people in the place. No joke, every time I see 26c I joke with him that I'm going to steal his awesome floral print and plain cowboy shirts for myself.

On to moral dilemma # 2. As I near my test date I've been starting to think more about where I want to work. Do I work at the facility A which is cleaner, has happier, nicer, protocol following CNAs, happy residents who you get to see go home to their families, and is a place that I actually enjoy being at or do I work at facility B. This is the facility I've talked about in this post, the place that is filthy, doesn't follow protocol, CNAs are mostly mean to residents and hate their jobs, and just the smell of the place makes me sick, but I feel that my presence makes a difference in these peoples lives. That hopefully I can be a relief to them from the other care they receive, and maybe even be an example to other CNAs there? Or maybe I would just become jaded like the rest of them.

I have way too much too think about, I won't even get started on the conversation I had with someone about nursing schools today....ugh.

♥

New Plan

Screw the LVN bussiness! It's too much money and too much work!! Haha, no, I'm sure it wouldn't be too much work, but from what I've been hearing lately, a CNA is more likely to get hired at a hospital then an LVN, and I really would love to get hospital experience before I go to nursing school. Does anyone have any tips for getting hired as a CNA in a hospital setting? I know theres a few places near me that offer acute care training programs...

Two weeks until I take the test to get my Certification in being a nursing assistant. I am definitely not practicing the skills as much as I should be, but my partner keeps blowing me off, and I think I might go on a killing rampage if I don't have a buddy to vent to while I'm at the school. Not that its too hard, but everyone has done a great job at scaring me into believing its incredibly easy to fail by missing just one step. So on that note, time to study!

Almost to the Finish Line

I've got two weekends left of my CNA training, and though I am thoroughly fed up with my school, I am finding more satisfaction in working as a CNA. We started working at a new facility, which is amazing in comparison to the place we were at before. The place is clean, soooo clean. You walk down the halls and it doesn't reek of urine and feces! The staff there all though they don't seem to love their jobs, they do genuinely care about the patients, they treat them well, and make sure that the place where they live is decent. At the old facility, if someone wet the bed, they CNAs wouldn't wash the mattress let alone wait for the urine to dry before putting clean (but heavily stained) sheets on it. Here, even if the mattress isn't soiled, it is still washed (and dried!) every few days. So, I'm sucking up to everyone who works there, trying to be helpful and cheerful so that once I get certified they will call me up and say "Rakal, we would love to give you a job, you can choose your own schedule, only work in the sub acute wing, and you'll get a raise every week, with bonuses every month!" Ha. Really though, I could see myself enjoying working here.

Last Week, right before lunch time all the patients (they're patients not residents because we work mainly in the sub acute wing of the facility where people are just there to recuperate after surgery and then return home as opposed to the dementia wing where people go to "live") were sitting at the tables waiting for their food when one woman starts crying uncontrollably. I try to comfort her, rubbing her back and telling her nice things, trying to get her mind off of things, but nothing I say stops her tears. The woman sitting next to her grabs her hand and tells her that everything is going to be okay because she is surrounded by people who love her, and that she loves her, and then gives her a flower, and then tells her that love is the most important thing, and since so many people love her shes going to be okay. The woman stops crying and smiles. I couldn't help but tear up. It was one of the most touching things I've witnessed in my life.

So many lessons to be learned here...

What a day

I got two take care of two rooms of patients (4 people) all by myself. Of course it took me as long as it takes the regular CNAs to do 3 or 4 rooms. This includes transferring patients from their beds to the bathroom chair, and then washing them and getting them dressed, and changing the linens on their beds. During one room, I accidentally touched the urine filled pads to my legs and felt disgusting the rest of the day. I also got to help hold a completely dependent person on her side while an LVN gave her an enema and pulled poop out of her butt. Thats the closest i've come to puking on the job so far. But I took deep breaths and got through it. I left the room feeling tough! No one else I know would have been able to do that with out vomiting, makes me feel like I'm really meant for this kind of work. But really, I just want to be an RN already!

Half Way

Oh man, I am officially half way done with my CNA program! I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Sometimes I can completely see myself doing this more than two days a week, other times I'm not so sure I'll be able to make it through the day. But when I'm feeling that way its not so much due to the nature of the work, but to the horrible teacher that I have. Even the CNAs we're working hate her. The CNA I followed around today just wouldn't give her the time of day, and would walk right past her if she tried to say anything to her.

Im still not used to the smell of nursing home. I can smell it now as I sit typing in bed.

Day One

Today has been a day of firsts: first time blogging, and my first time working as a nurse (well kind of). Yay for me! I've been spending tons of time lately immersing myself in the lives of nurses via their blogs (especially guitar girl rn!) and was inspired to start my own, documenting my journey from Nursing Assistant in training, to LVN, to RN, to FNP, that is if all goes according to plan.

Background: I'm on the waitlist for the nursing program at my community college, an estimated three year wait. Because of a combination of my own laziness, and false information given to me by a few school counselors it is practically impossible for me to get into nursing school any where except for a community college, thus avoiding the wait. Could I really sit around and wait for three years letting all that human biology I've spent countless hours jamming into my head just pitter away? No sir! And so, I went to my first clinical today, for training as a CNA.

I'm attending a small, and very new private college about an hour away from home. The people who run it have good intentions, but the more time i spend there, the more I think the school is a joke. THe teachers often get into tangents reassuring us how awesome the school is, and how great the teachers are. Every time I go to class I am reminded that my teacher has been a CNA and a LVN for over 20 years, and how many houses she has and how awesome her life is, and how she could have moved on up the chain if she wanted to, but shes happy where shes at. Nothing wrong with that, but I dont need to here her brag about herrself for a half an hour each day when I could be learning about nursing! Super frustrating. Plus, she IS Saddam Hussein in South Park, you know, Satans lover?

I've hardly been able to sleep the past two nights. When I finally woke up this morning for the big day I wasn't as scared as I had anticipated, I was practically excited! I showed up 20 minutes early because im extremely anal about being on time, and of course I forgot my name badge at home which is ten minutes away and drove recklessly back home to grab it, and make it to the nursing home just as the teacher is pulling up. First chrisis averted.

My first time being in a nursing home was shocking. Especially after having just spent a while learning proper protocol to follow. I have heard bad things about this facility from friends who are emt's who drop by there every once in a while, but I wasn't really prepared for what I saw. CNAs waltzing in and out of Residents rooms without so much as an announcement let alone a knock. Complete disregard for the privacy that the residents deserve: A CNA is getting ready to give a shower, and doesn't even ask the woman if we can watch, just cheerily invites us a long even though it seems pretty obvious that the woman is uncomfortable with us there. And the chair that she was rolled to the shower room in had drops of blood on it, which gave me the creeps. After the shower, the CNA dressed the woman half way then just left her sitting on a really uncomfortable position with us standing there waiting for 20 minutes for her to come back ( we had been told not to actually do anything with the residents on our first day since we haven't been properly trained.) Eventually we said screw it and helped her get dressed and put her in her wheel chair where she was much more comfortable. Many of the CNA's would easily lose their temper with the residents and be extremely harsh and push the residents around too aggressively for me to be comfortable with, even when feeding them, they were just jamming food down these peoples throats as fast as they could. Maybe this is just how things go in a long term care facility and I will soon be jaded to this kind of behavior? I'm not sure. But when we got back to the classroom there were many complaints from all us students to the teacher, wondering if we should report the things we'd seen in our first clinical, like how they taught us in class. Our teacher said that we shouldn't report anything, but that she is going to try to get us transferred to a different facility.

As much as I am totally wigged out from the experience, it made me soooo grateful that my grandma died quickly and before she lost her independence, and that my grandpa is the most active old man ever, and is in pretty excellent health for an 80 year old. I feel blessed to not be condemned to spending the end of my days confined to one room. I also hope that I can make a difference in people lives who seem so bleak. But I'm totally worried about having to work with poop. I here i'll get over that pretty quickly though....